How 2 kill a lion !! Funny

How to kill a LION?

• TCS method:

hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
lion dies of hunger and frustration
 

• Cognizant Method:

hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more....... and more .......
 

• IBM's metbod:

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...
he dies of unemployment...
 

• Syntel Method:

Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and
make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....
 

• MBT  method:( Similar to Capgemini)

hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain?
 

• i-Flex method:

hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari
for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes
alive he will get band movement (promotion)
holy cow dies in fear of the real lion
 

• COSL Method:

hire a lion .
tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...
lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a goat.....
 

• Polaris Method :

hire ...sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM )
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....
 

• Satyam method:

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....
 

• Wipro Method:

Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........!!!!
 

• Accenture Method:

Hire a lion....
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......
 

• HUAWEI Method:

Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die

THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

• INFOSYS METHOD:

HIRE A LION
SEND HIM FOR TRAINING IN MYSORE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE
KING OF THE JUNGLE!
MAKE HIM TAKE GENERIC COMPREE EXAM
LION TURNS INTO CAT
MAKE HIM TAKE STREAM COMPREE EXAM
CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE
SEND HIM INTO PRODUCTION WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HE LEARNED IN TRAINING
MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR HELP!!!
SEND HIM MAILS TELLING ABOUT MANDATORY CERTIFICATIONS
................................MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE ................SO TRUE!

 

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Good one!

Smart reply !

 

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Why do the gang never get girl-friends!!!....

The oft repeated topic. It seems to be a mystery until you really start thinking. One of my personal favorites. Why some men can never fall in love or never get girl friends. Many of us just keep complaining, without thinking on what the inherent problem is.
Thankfully, I did it as a case study and found out some important issues which might concur with a majority of ppl who are rocking the same boat as mine.

1) You always sit in the last bench with the other class comrades who feel that its possible to get marks sitting in last row. In case of workplace, no girls are there in your project and you have like minded ppl like you as colleagues and wherein your entertainment oscillates between the bars and cinema theaters.

2) You obviously cant groove and dance, and dance around in a group in a disc by just shaking your head or grooving your hip. Desi music directors are
your favorites. You cant wait for a bangra number to crop up. Unfortunately, you are too adept at dancing dappankuthu or desi dance, not the americanised western hip hop dance.

3) You perceive discotheque to be a place where you will have a chance to unleash your dancing potential (dappankuthu) and occupy the center stage with 10 other fellow rogues, immediately throwing out the babes from the vicinity of the dance floor. This automatically repels the women from you (they consider you as out of civilization. But, unfortunately we think that we are the only ppl who can really dance)

4) Your Intelliegence quotient mostly can take in just Jackie Chan, Arnold and Stallone flicks. It can take in just action films whose contents can be absorbed. You just can't take any English Romance films. Desi romance rocks. We invariably are the DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hai Kaun types. Shahrukh, Rajni, Kamal, Mohanlal, Mammotty, Chiranjeevi rock. Tom Cruise is a dud!!! and invariably ***...(obv..its becoz of jealousy)

5) You cant eat Spanish, Chinese foods and your fav restaurant invariably happens to be Saravana Bhavan, Anandha Bhavan, Shanthi-Sagar types. Of coz we cant forget Karpagam Mess, Mami's kadai and Murugan Idly. We frankly are clueless as to what are Bella Ciao, Wang's kitchen and things like that, unless we happen to go an a treat organised by the other guyz.

6) You dont see a reason why you have to go to Barristas or Qwiky's when the local corner "Nair Kadai Chaaya" tastes like nectar and satisfies you more than a Barristas. Lime tea is the best tea to have been invented by an human and you are thankful to nair for providing it to you.

7) Most of the jokes you know are adult jokes which you can discuss only with your other fellow comrades and which again takes the oppurtunity from telling a joke to the girl and impressing her. But when you seriously tell very good jokes, the blondes can't comprehend. You have to tell some absolutely "Kadi jokes" (terrible bores) to make them laugh, which you try however, will never come close to.

8) You obviously dont know how to make use of Yahoo Messenger, and you use it to scold your online friends with the best choice of invectives, spread rumours abt other guyz, and ask them to book the latest movie tickets. You unfortunately dont know how to flirt using Yahoo Messenger and are frequently at loss of topics when you want to chat with some girl. Whereas you are deluged with strange topics to discuss with your friend with whom you had lost touch for the past decade or so.

9) While chatting in messenger, you seriously cant start a topic with a member of the oppoisite sex. I have seen guyz chatting with girls purely with emoticons for more than a hour. You can never do that. You will have to crack real dumb jokes to start the conversation or falsely extol them. And bet, you can't do the following:

Boy : What did you have for breakfast??
Girl : I had idli ....
Boy: Is it??? Same pinch, no back pinch, I too had idli. (he slyly pinches her) and laughs.
Girl : Ouchhh (artificially). It hurts.
Boy: Ohh.. I am sorry and (tries to apologise).............then says "I had sambhar for idli."
Girl: (excitedly)..Sambharrrrrrrr............ i had chutney....and giggles...

I swear, I cant tolerate any longer than this................ And this is not a figment of imagination, by any means. I have seen this...Though I agree there may be exceptions..

10) You cant sing a Bryan Adams, Sting, George Michael's song. When someone talks about Linking Park, you cannot even imagine who they are and the closest
link you can associate with them is Cubbon Park.

11) You seriously are clueless as to what rock music is.

12) All through college life, you belong to this boyz gang and even in your gang, nobody has a girlfriend. So there is absolutely an absence of the inspirational factor.

With ALL these attributes, it is difficult for guyz like us to fall in love or find a girl. But it is not a sin after all. I guess we are not made for it. We are one among the few in the vanishing tribe. Let us accept that and be proud of that...

We have THE uniqueness that we remain single till we get married and having that trait is really a virtue and who knows, we might be the elite clique in the future.

 

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Impact of Crisis in IT Employees Family !

Hi,

 

Guess its conversation within a Family ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Sekar (Calling his family from Amsterdam): Good Evening Mom and Dad. Where is my wife Sheela?

Dad: Just now I called her. She is on the way to home after taking our grandson Rahul from his school.

Sekar: Let us wait for her few minutes and we will start this discussion.
(By the time Sheela entered in to the house.. Sekar continue the meeting)

I hope you know the Agenda of the meeting which I had mentioned in the meeting request. Even though let me read out the agenda once again
1. Status update/Discussion on Last Week Action Items
2. Family Strategy
2. Rahul�s Education
3. Medical Insurance for Mom and Dad

I hope every one have the printout of last week MOM (Minutes of Meeting).
Dear Mom can you please update the status of tasks which you are taking care of?

Mom: Sekar, I am taking care of kitchen module which involves making products like Sambar, Rasam, Curd Rice, Vegetable Biriyani.I am not comfortable in handling the tools for making Non Vegetarian products. You suggest some training in Hlite. However after making these products, I am giving to your Dad for Acceptance testing. Once he satisfied with the quality of taste, we pass it to Dining Hall. One more thing, I would like to share with you. As you have suggested during my appraisal discussion, now I have stopped crying while watching mega serials in TV

Sekar: Sounds Good.

Sekar: Now coming to Dad. Dad can you please update us?

Dad: Yes. My dear son. I have completed my tasks by paying the current bill and phone bill with in time.

Sekar: Thats good

Dad: But I couldnt pay the premium amount of 9200.00 of the LIC plan which you had taken for tax reduction purpose.

Sekar: It doesnt look nice dad. I have sent you the amount already and given clear instructions.
Can you explain to me what went wrong?

Dad: On Tuesday night suddenly one of our team mate (your mom) fell down on the floor when she was running to catch Rahul. Then we took her to hospital and spent that amount for her medical expenses.

Mom: Sekar, I would like to add on what your Dad said, that was true. I got heavy injury in my legs and I was in hospital for two days. So now we dont have money to pay for the premium.

Sekar: Sheela..! Would you aware of this? As a home lead, I expect you to track these issues and send it to me on daily basis. What are you doing (With stress on doing) after coming from college?

Sheela: Will do it Sekar. You know that the college, I am working is very far from our home. Every day I come back home at 6 pm and sit with Rahul for assisting him for doing his home work.

Sekar: Ok. Coming to second Agenda point .Due to this financial crisis we need to change the strategy of running our family. I am looking for your cooperation in the following cost cutting activities. I want to see the cost benefit of 40 % in this month budget after implementing this
Asking servant maid to leave her job
Stop ordering Pizzas for dinner
Avoid Tooth paste and use Neem sticks/Banyan Tree Sticks
Switch on TV only for watching Sunday Movie and Friday Oliyum Ozhiyum(Well known program for film songs in Podigai TV)
Wise to listen news from our near by portion when they watch news in TV
Every Saturday visit our relatives homes and spend the whole day including break fast, lunch and Dinner
Dont invite anybody to our home. Sunday our relatives might come to our house. Just lock the door outside and do your work inside silently.
Everybody assemble in adjacent street Perumal temple on Sunday for breakfast. They provide Pongal as prasadam which is good in taste
Sheela stop going for gym and Yoga class. Use Attural (Made up of Stone for making Dosa /idly dough), Ammikal (Replacement of Mixie) instead of grinder and Mixie. Mom please give KT to Sheela about this.
Dont buy excess of things and store it in Fridge. Use big Mud pots for cool water.
Everybody go to bed early around 6:30 pm. Ask Rahul to do his homework when he comes back from school immediately during the hours sunlight is available. If not ask him to read under street light. He will become like Lincoln (Former US President) one day.
Use as much of cycle for transportation to near by places(It will help you to reduce fat and Cholesterol content)
I know you are eager to watch latest release Vaaranam Aayiram. Dont plan for that. Wail till next year Diwali to watch the same movie in Kalaignar TV

If you have any clarifications contact Sheela@kitchen

Coming to second Agenda point. Sheela, can you please update me about Rahuls Education. In which standard he is studying? Whether he got any double promotion? He was writing annual exam for third standard when I was leaving for Amsterdam.

Sheela: Sekar, I am bit worrying about his education. I have tracked his efforts, schedule in our OHM tool. I found 20 % in Effort variance and 35 % in schedule deviation. His learning curve goes down in the control chart which you can see in the report, I have sent you yesterday.

Sekar: Thanks for your measurements. I will review the report and we will discuss it on next week's call. I have a client meeting now. So we will discuss the third agenda item next week. Mom and Dad.. can you please drop out from the call. I wanted to talk to Sheela about few personal things and Dad, don't forget to circulate the MOM to every one.

Sheela: Hello Sekar..

Sheela: Hello Hello

Sheela: Hello

 

 

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Cost Cutting............MST READ

J

 

 Once a man married to a city girl and there was a huge age

 difference

 between them and they were not what one would call a

 perfect couple.

 They were

 merely stretching their marriage with no real romance in

 between them.

 They were two very different people. There was a  reality

 dance show

 called

 XXXXX - which was the main backdrop of their life story.

 The show was on

 the lines of popular television show, Dance with me

 Apparently girl wanted to take part in the dance

 competition but she

 couldn't because her husband was old and not hip and

 happening she

 feared that if

 she danced with him, she would lose the show and become the

 laughing

 stock among all her friends, who were taking part in the

 same.

 Husband overheard his wife's problem and decided to go

 in for a

 makeover. He then watched some movies and changed his image

 completely

 and came

 back to the show and put girl off her feet.

 All the way through the dance competition, girl kept

 falling in love

 with this new and improved guy, without once realizing that

 the man she

 was dancing with was her real husband......then...........

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> The reality show xxxxxx is nothing but movie *"Rab ne

> bana di jodi" with

> girl (Anushka Sharma)*.. n its story behind the

> movie...Cheers!!!!!!!!!

>

>

> Now no need to see the movie J

>

> Join in this humble mission and save your money from

> thronging into the

> theatre..

 

 

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